Sunday, September 26, 2010

Weekend: too fun, too short, awkward ending...

Wow! Just figured out how to track my page views! Can see how many people viewed my page, and even which countries it was viewed from! So what up to my peeps in the UK (God save the queen), Canada (I stand on guard for thee), Denmark (nice Legos), France (nice fries), and Singapore! Also, if any of my Singaporean fans could clue me in as to what you guys are famous for you'll get your own parentheses too!

Wow! What a good weekend! I really have to start making notes while I'm doing stuff, because I always forget. Off the top of my head I remember eating great food, drinking delicious alcohol, and somewhere in there I learned how to Dougie.

I actually wanted to let you know of one extremely awkward thing that happened to me this weekend so none of you will repeat the mistake this guy (keep reading) made:

One of the two elevators in my building is broken, so there are approximately 450 people spread out over 7 floors sharing one elevator. The waits when you call for an elevator can get pretty long. So as I'm hitting the button yesterday (about 12:30pm) there's this girl and guy doing a joint walk of shame of sorts from what I'm assuming is his room back to what I'm assuming is hers, which happens to be DIRECTLY NEXT TO the elevator. I think "Oh man, they had a great Saturday." Then I think to myself "haha, good one Joe. Joe, you're hilarious. You're the best. You always make me laugh. You're probably my best friend in the whole world. I love you."

Just as I was getting done grossly over-complimenting myself for the most mediocre, unoriginal joke I've ever thought of (and didn't even say), the guy drops a BOMB on the girl (but mostly me), and DUMPS HER! Now they haven't been together very long - I know (a) because we've only been in Washington for three weeks and (b) the kid didn't look like the "relationship" type - but still you could tell the girl was crushed.

Get here already, elevator.

The girl's trying to fight back tears and just saying "okay," "okay," while the guy is giving her every corny line in the book - "It's not you, it's me," "I'm just in a really shitty place right now," "We should still be friends." By the way, for those of you ladies keeping score out there, here are the translations: "I made a big mistake sleeping with you," "I wanna keep playing the field," "We'll probably never talk again after this moment."


What am I doing at this point? Rapidly pressing on the elevator call button with a look of intense desperation on my face. I'm starting to sweat, I can't help but glance over at this train wreck. They know I'm involuntarily eavesdropping, but they don't seem to care.


He continues: "I think you're great" (Translation - "You're way more fun drunk"). Girl's sobbing at this point. This kid is NOT SMOOTHE AT ALL! Joran van der Sloot called and was like "Hey man, take it easy on her."


Jumping in that elevator (and I did leap) was such a good feeling. I don't have to go skydiving now. I already get it.

Bottom line, guys, don't give girls the lines. They've already heard all of them. And if you're going to give her the lines, DON'T DO IT WHILE I'M WAITING FOR AN ELEVATOR!!!

I don't think either of these people are Facebook friends with me or followers of my Blog, but if you guys are: To the girl - I'm sorry. To the guy - you're an asshole.


  1. At least you learned how to Dougie!


  2. You're a good guy, Joe. And your blog is hilarious.

  3. Okay so I'm going to comment on every single one of your blogs because now, instead of reading all the time, I'll read this. Your words of wisdom are incredible. P.S. When you come to RI I want to learn to Dougie....Tour Guide Dougie party? Yes??? okay fantastic! see ya then

  4. What floor did this debacle occur on?


  5. LOVE this! you need to fill me in on who these people were! smooooth

  6. You are a wise man. A good man. A funny man. I love you, Man.

  7. hahaha I can see you leaping into the elevator! mreeehhnnttt You're the best